fuckingaromanticadventures:

alarajrogers:

jenniferrpovey:

ace-and-ranty:

jabberwockypie:

kyraneko:

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lukessideboob:

im-fucking-asexual:

lukessideboob:

You know maybe amatonormativity exists but it’s hard to say that when I’m 90% sure gay people were not being encouraged to seek out relationships by the wider culture until maybe 2005-ish

what’s amatonormativity?

A Tumblr-based sociological theory that boils down to “compulsory alloromanticism” but I’ve also seen it defined to include monogamy as another expectation under the header of amatonormativity

Amatonormativity is not tumblr based- it was not created on tumblr nor was it popularised on tumblr. Amatonormativity was not even coined by asexual people or with asexual people in mind exclusively. 

Amantonormativity was coined by feminist academic Elizabeth Brake in her book “Minimising Marriage” to refer to:

the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types. (Source)

Amatornormativity doesn’t just affect asexual and aromantic people. Whilst it’s often asexual and aromantic people you see talking about amatonormativity (because we become hyper aware of it due to how it affects us), it actually impacts the lives of people of all orientations, including LGBT+ people.

Amatonormativity in practice is…

  • The assumption that all single people are unhappy with their status and looking not to be single.
  • “Coming of age” milestones often revolving around romantic accomplishments (first kiss, first crush, first love, marriage, etc).
  • Non romantic partnerships (sexual or platonic) being looked down upon.
  • A sort of relationship hierarchy where marriage is at the top and everything else falls somewhere below it.
  • The expectation for romantic partners to be more important than jobs, hobbies or other commitments in a person’s life. And the belief that people who choose to pursue the former are selfish.
  • People who are not seeking exclusive romantic relationships being seen as less mature, stable, trustworthy or settled.
  • The structuring of laws and society on the basis that eventually everyone will be in a committed romantic partnership (marriage).
  • The toxic idea of a “friendzone” (which of course, overlaps with misogyny), where friendship with a woman is seen as “second prize” to a relationship with her.
  • People settling for someone they’re not really happy with or compatible with just to fulfil the desire or expectation to have a partner.
  • Non-aromantic asexual people trying to normalise their orientation by saying they can still “fall in love” or “have relationships” “just like anyone else”.
  • Asexual people or people who don’t feel attraction to anyone feeling pressured to seek out and enter into relationships.

And much more…

Violations of amatonormativity would include dining alone by choice, putting friendship above romance, bringing a friend to a formal event or attending alone, cohabiting with friends, or not searching for romance. (Source)

Also the way turning down a request for a date, while single, is often viewed as some sort of terrible insult instead of an analysis of poor compatibility.

Also the idea that it’s wrong to break up with someone unless they’ve done something objectively terrible enough to “deserve it” rather than because the relationship isn’t doing anything for you.

It also encourages people to stay in abusive relationships because it pushes being in a relationship is the highest priority/being alone is terrible.

Also….

“I’m 90% sure gay people were not being encouraged to seek out relationships by the wider culture until maybe 2005-ish”

Yes.

Yes, they were.

They were encouraged to seek out heterosexual relationships.

You can’t uncouple Amantonormativity from Heteronormativity. One is built into the other. Heteronormativity means there is one right way to have a life, and that way is being straight, is falling in love, being monogamous, is complying to certain standards of beauty, it’s being white and thin and abled. 

ALL of those things go into the ideal norm that is oppressing ALL OF US. It doesn’t matter in WHICH way you stray from the heteronormative ideal — if you’re polyamorous or if you’re gay or if you don’t fall in love or you love while disabled. ANY WAY you stray from it is punished. 

Amatonormativity is not just “you must fall in love.” It’s “You must fall in love in the right way with the right person.”

So yes, amatonormativity is absolutely linked to heteronormativity.

And, as ace-and-ranty hinted, it is also linked to the supremacy of monogamy. Amatonormativity also excludes all forms of polyamory.

It also has something to do with why gays successfully got gay marriage before they got, say, “federal protection from discrimination in adoption cases” or “the right to be gender nonconforming in public school”. People who think it’s weird to see a man in a dress can still wrap their head around “he wants to marry the man he loves” because all you did was swap the expected pronouns.

Amatonormativity does pressure people into heteronormative relationships, but it also exists within the gay community and allies, to place a monogamous marriage to a same-sex partner above, say, a polyamorous polycule, or an asexual living with a queerplatonic friend.

^ what everyone else said.

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